Police Bank lends it’s support to combat Theobromine epidemic
Police Bank are throwing their support behind the movement to restrict access of Theobromine based products to the general public. In a move designed to protect our communities from this epidemic, we believe that any move to ease the workload of our Police Force is welcomed.
Theobromine is an alkaloid that, when combined with Phenylethylamine (PEA) and Anandamide, transforms into an addictive drug cocktail called “Xocolatl”. In high doses, users begin to experience a strong rush of elation, increased focus and high energy. Use is often encouraged by family members for use on children for these positive effects, with no knowledge of the terrible repercussions of excessive consumption.
After extensive research was commissioned by our Police, the effects of excessive consumption have become apparent, with this bizarre and erratic behaviour being called “Brown Rage” by Police Officers.
“Brown Rage is a result of the come down from excessive Xocolatl consumption. Users become obnoxious and develop a sense of entitlement, where all attention and energy is put on their next fix. This causes users to often become defiant of simple requests, and become easily hostile from the smallest of issues” says Officer Cadbury.
Known by its street name of “Chocolate”, Police have reported a concerning number of call outs for Chocolate-induced Brown Rage, ranging from children as young as 2, up to corporate executives. It this wide demographic that have officers most concerned.
“We are seeing an unprecedented spike of distribution over the last couple of weeks in the lead up to Easter, and we are worried that our communities are no longer safe until Xocolatl can be taken off the shelves. Nobody should have to experience the screams and erratic behaviour of a self-entitled child on chocolate.”
Police Officers do have their concerns however that a ban on Theobromine will have little effect, as has been seen from bans in other countries.
“Following on from bans, dealers find increasingly more creative ways to distribute. Our intelligence suggests that often, dealers will hide small pieces of Xocolatl in parks and backyards, calling on users to go on a “hunt”. We have seen these hunts develop into full scale Brown Rage riots, which take up a huge number of resources to control.”
Police Bank are proud to be supporters of April Fools Day.